" I want to be a psychologist " .
Maybe I should just drop this unrealistic dream and just become a sweeper. I, myself being such a useless person intends to counsel other people ? Naive .
First time in my life have I felt inflicting physical damage onto myself was such a wonderful sensation . Sick in the mind , I must be. As each scratch went through my skin, it felt as though I was being splashed by a bucket of water on a humid day. It was very refreshing and the sharp stings that pierced through my skin was just so enlightening .
I studied , according to whatever I was supposed to do every single day without fail . Even if I fail to fulfill whatever I was supposed to do, I would study later in the night to make up to it. In the end , what I did was not only neglected, it meant nothing to that person. To that person, it was just a mere act to simply fulfill her expectations of me. How can I ever convince you that I really did whatever I was supposed to, and I did it with all my heart. We lack communication and trust and no , volleyball doesn't mean everything to me. Day by day, you threaten me with the same damn thing , and that's the fucking thing that gives me a drive to push myself further to study more. I can tell you straight in your fucking face that I did learn from this whole holiday. Just because you are too busy to notice me, doesn't give you the right to assume whether I have done what I was supposed to. I earnestly believe that I know whatever I am doing better than you.
Your words stung me. As soon as you told me that I can tell my teachers that I spent the whole damn holiday watching television and sleeping away , I couldn't control myself from feeling the frustration and it got the better of me and the feeling that I detested most came back to me. It, once again felt like my heart was heavy , and my heart was forcing tears out of my eyes although I was very reluctant to lose to my emotions. I guess I'm letting my emotions get the better of me and that's not a good thing .
Thinking back , this should be a lowest point in my life so far . I lost everything I had . I lost confidence in myself , I lost someone I really enjoyed pouring everything out to , I lost any chance of getting into the team and I lost trust from the people who are supposed to trust me till the very end. I lost every single thing . The only thing I gained, was support from teammates . Tch , Debbie you're such a worthless fool.
Have you ever felt like your heart was being squeezed and cornered by four walls as each second passes , and forces out the tears that you were reluctant to let go off ? Have you breathed heavily after finding out something you wish you'd never knew ?
Well , that's how I'm feeling now .
Hey .
I really don't know where to begin .
First , he told me that he would be there for me and will not leave me feeling lonely . Then the next moment , he just threw me aside , leaving me dumbfounded . I gave up on this useless faggot & the next moment he came back , coldly . Soft heartedly , I brought him back to my life but once again I got dumped aside . Foolish , really describes me when it comes to a stupid thing like relationships . Not love , love is way too profound for me. This , how do i put it .. Huge infatuation w this guy only made me realise how dumb I am .
Well , I can't take it anymore. I mean , usually guys take initiatives right . How can guys expect girls to confess to them . I mean have you lost your nucking futs ? God . I really can't stand guys that are just so cowardly. I would prefer a guy who would be brave enough to take the first step that's not very difficult unless his ego is in his way ? So now , I'm going to show you . That I can do fine and as well without you . No more love-sick thing anymore . I'm gonna prove that I can do it myself and I don't need no guy hanging around me anymore .
Your short replies , your fvckcare attitude and your cowardness puts me off . Jerk , moron , idiot , dumbass . Everytime I try to say that it takes two hands to clap . I know I didn't put in much effort in trying to entertain you sometimes. But in the end I did try , just to prove that I'm not the one who is letting go. And I proved my point , and now I can tell you straight in the face that I don't give a fuck about you anymore so you can just go flirt with other girls from I don't know where . Haha , keke , jaja . I don't need you ~
PHEW FINALLY . :D
Btw ...
You met someone you really like, and they stop talking to you, how do you react?
Hey! your just going to stop talking to me; alright, what ever, i never liked you anyways trash
Think about it, and stop talking to them
Try to keep in contact, and tell her/him all your feelings for them
Keep in contact every now and then, and try to be just friends
None of the above
^ scared the shit out of me and calista ah zhor . LOL .
Inside joke , bai ~
I don't know where will I get my motivation to carry on .
I don't know how am I going to handle all these alone .
I don't know what to do in order to change their minds .
I don't know who can I share all these fucked up emotions to .
I don't know when am I able to finally face the truth .
I don't know why am I so stupid as to think of running away each time
Its over , game over . No more cards to give or play .
I had a whole year to reflect and to prove my worth but I merely used it on playing a fool and showing how incapable I was of handling such matters. I only showed them how worthless I was and that I am unable to cope under such situations.
I'm losing every single glimpse of hope as each day passes by. I dread the sight of homework and detest the fact that I have to be away from my laptop for the whole holiday. But honestly, who else is to be blame other than myself. Had I done better, all this wouldn't have happened and I could actually be enjoying whatever time I have right now.
I pushed everything to the last minute, not realizing it will lead me no where. I focused on something not important more than something I was supposed to pay more attention to, and this is results in my current situation. I don't regret spending all my time away doing what I enjoy most, but I deeply regret the fact that I had not set my priorities to do whatever I was supposed to. I gave away every single chance I had left.
Left with no other option, I have to devote myself to learning during this period of time where other people would be having fun playing while I bury myself in books. Being observed closely as I take every step or inhale any air. Well , that's what I asked for I guess. Why am I doing so much , some may say. Well , solely for the thing that I enjoy doing.
What else can I do .
My love is in jeopardy, I have to do something about it .
HELLO TO THE WORLD :D
SO HAPPY , FIRSTLY BECAUSE EXAMS ARE OFFICIALLY OVER.
Yeah , but results come back one by one slowly , just to kill me :/ .
So we got chemistry , literature , english & chinese in chronological order . So chemistry was a huge disappointment for me , I passed by merely 3 marks . Totally pulled the emotional trigger .
Subsequently cheered up by literature which I think I finally passed . Soon after, we got back english papers . Paper 1 was fine thank goodness , I thought I'd fail both because I handed in the papers wrongly . "><" 19/30 for both paper 1 sections. But the other paper , which was paper 2 was much worse. I think its 68 out of 110 ? But I'm one of the two third who passed so I was pretty comforted at that thought . :)
Last but not least was chinese which really made me feel much , much better. I jumped from a C5 to an A1 . I couldn't really believe my eyes you know , but anyway I'm glad I studied the phrases . 20/20 for it :)
K I feel so stupid bragging but oh well , I don't get the chance often to brag about studies . LOL
Training was horrible leh . Although I could totally feel the centre's pain after jumping up and down several hundred times , but I'm sure it'll improve their jumping some day ! Hard work will pay off , cheyyy .
K then I played horribly , I can't receive leh . Dumbfvck , but still can spike a little bit . But overall I think I was horrible ? Service was fine though , surprised .
Whole body aching although it wasn't really vigorous training except for the 30 round thing . Goodness gracious, need to work out more often I guess :/ (talking only , ) K la , that's bout it .
Chemistry : 33/60
Literature : 19.5/30
English : 68/110
Chinese : 77/100
I LOVE CHINESE :D
The days without you , I've pulled through . I've waited you to take the first step , and its long enough . Attempted to refresh our friendship , to no avail .Boy , you don't know how fvcked up I am over you .Everytime I see you online , I try to approach you but I just can't bring myself to say a simple hello to you , because I'm afraid . I'm so afraid you would just reply me coldly and just pierce through the now so fragile heart of mine .
Youv'e dont it many times before & I don't want it to happen again . It took me a long while to understand that you mean plenty to me . Remember the time when we first met , we sms-ed all day & night regardless how tired we were but look now , we don't even contact each other anymore . You were once so important to me , whats happening . What happened to once so enjoyable friendship .
Stupidly , as I realise I've slowly fallen for your sweet personality . Each message you sent meant a lot . Each time you'd even start a conversation with me , I'll be beaming with joy . I guess most girls have felt this way as well . Some might have a happy ending , but people such as myself only end up in broken hearted misery.
Ever since the awkward replies you gave me , I told myself , he doesn't feel the same for you . Just give it up , its all one-sided . I pulled through it as well . I succeeded . But why is it that after all the unhappiness you have caused me , you approached me , a week later , trying to talk to me again . I ignored that pathetic text message you sent me and just laid myself in bed , wondering if you actually would feel the same way as I did , but apparently I was just sensitive .
Matters of the heart wasn't as complicated as they were before you know . Its only recently then I've realised I'm not one to be in a relationship as it would cause me mere pain . I have officially , decided to forget you , my special friend . Someone who was with me throughout my whole volleyball journey , encouraging me & pushing me on with your encouraging words that really lit my whole day .
Thank you for being with me all this time . I won't cry over the loss , but I'll smile that you were actually there for me before . I cherish every single message you've sent to me .
I also thank you for making me part of your life , but now I guess you've found a better girl , so I won't be so dumb as to hang onto something I know wouldn't be mine . ^^
Okay , that was SUPPOSED TO BE A SUMMARY OF MY MINI STORY .
The whole concept and idea came from my truelifestory and also facebook groups :D
But it turned out too long , but anyway , heh . STRESS LA BODOH ASDFEWAFSD .
10 math worksheets , 4 chinese compos , an english comprehension & revision for others.
WIN LIAO LA . 3 day weekend with a 1 month load of homework . (Y) Screwmylife . ):
Just checked out singapore polytechnic and their cca . Contemplating to whether I should really go there or not . There's no volleyball , but it has a wide range of courses I can take . So I'm quite stuck here . Yes , I know I only sec 2 think so far la but , plan for the future . (Cheyyyy . )
I've finished 4 chinese compos , 4 math worksheets & left with a lot more . Revising on literature as well . Reading the giver again . :D , tomorrow will be getting back my laptop ^^V yay . It will be brand new , clean & I can probably download audition into it . If mother doesn't nag la , the lappy is supposed to be mine already lor please . Heh , :) Omgwtfbbq , weather very hot hor .
LOL , okay gonna start yakking with calista now , bye .
" I remember so clearly loving you while you were loving someone else . "
Stressed .
I have tons of homework to complete over this 3 day weekend .
English & Chinese are already over and we need time to revise for the other subjects but no , teachers give us more work to be done and leave very minimal time for us to prepare for our other papers . This is totally unnecessary , and the worst thing is , I have to submit everything by next week , which is 4 May . & now I've totally lost my mood to do anything. FML
English paper was difficult , and I've a feeling I'd fail . Chinese paper was less tough & hopefully I can pass this time round. Next will be literature , I've started reading the book again to refresh my memory of the whole storyline and to pick out the several important points within it . See la , now this whole blog full of nonsense about homework . -.-
I think I got hooked onto pokemon on the phone again :/ Shit , not an exactly good timing for this to happen. Nevermind, gonna start on my math papers soon. I don't even have the chance to procrastinate at all now. Oh , & jiayou to all those people who owe compos to chinese teacher, I owe 4 and that's plenty already. I was so pissed off over the amount of work given, now I feel so depressed and down man. ): I don't know how to start ..
" Tell me why , you're so hard to forget . Don't remind me , I'm not over it tell me why . I can't seem to face the truth & I really don't know what to do , I'm just a little too not over you. "
